If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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