Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
