As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
