she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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