i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
