dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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