Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
