i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
