I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
