hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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