Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
