Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
