Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
