forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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