Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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