needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
