Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
