Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
