Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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