I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize