i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
