make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
