sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
