I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He felt like a one man threesome
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize