I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
