At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
