Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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