My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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