take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
