"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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