I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
