24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
