she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
