He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
