My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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