You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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