You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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