Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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