You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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