She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
