I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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