Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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