what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
