I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
