I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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