i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
