I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
