Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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