So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize