You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
