my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
