I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
