I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
