david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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