Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
