The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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