How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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