My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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