last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
