Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
