i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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